I'm a Loser

I am a loser. I got all psyched about starting this Blog thing-a-ma-jig, did it for like, six weeks, and then....well....

I am a LOSER!!!

Guess what started my Blog lapse?

Gaining.

Wait. Didn't I just say I'm a loser?

Yea, well, not in the weight category.

My Blog lapse came after I weighed in with my coach only to be up FIVE FLIPPIN' POUNDS!!!

I was so peeved. Five pounds. Like, what the heck? If I swore (which I don't) then I would insert some pretty flashy expletives here.

Ok, so maybe it was true that I was totally pre-menstral. That might account for a pound or two. But, come oooon. That is such a LAME excuse. I gained five pounds because I ate to much (yea, pretty much couldn't shovel it in fast enough) and didn't write anything I ate down (who in their right mind would EVER write down all of that crap anyway...sheesh...)

So, up to this point, I am thinking I should go back and re-title this post "I'm a Gainer"

But the following week, I lost 1.2 pounds. Then the following week, another 0.8. I kinda lost track, until one week, two weeks ago, I was down FIVE POUNDS! Yea. DOWN. My coach is like, so happy for me, hits the "Easy Button" he has sitting on his desk (I hate that dumb thing) and then sets off this other annoying gadget he has on is desk that sounds like a cheering crowd. Then he asks, "How do you feel about that?"

How do I FEEL about it? The truth? I feel like CRAP! I merely lost the five pounds I had GAINED a few weeks prior. Funny thing is, on my last Blog entry, I weighed in at 266.4. Guess how much I weighed at my last weigh in? 266.4. SO, I have basically been toying around with the same stupid five pounds for weeks!

Then, it gets worse. The following week, he cancels our session. Sick. And you know what they say: "When the cats away, the mice will play."

Or, in this case, eat.

THEN, I conveniently have a fabulous excuse to cancel on him the following week. Which just happens to have been this last Monday. Like, two days ago. So now we're all caught up, it's Wednesday night, I weigh in 5 days from now, I have dropped the ball on my Blog, and I have not been eating or exercising right.

Like I said.

I'm a loser.

Bet you all didn't think you were gonna get invited to this BIG FAT PITY PARTY, did'ja?

So, now I'm now scared to death to face him, the scale, and seriously, can't think of anything brilliant to say on this Blog. Why not sing?

"Eeeevery party has a pooper that's why I invited me...party pooper...party pooper...."

Sing along, why don't ya?

So. I am a loser. I really want to be one too. A loser loosing weight.

I am going to force myself to say something positive.

Here I go.

AHEM.

I GET to weigh in five days from now.

I have the OPPORTUNITY to eat well for the next five days.

I have the PRIVILEGE of owning a 24 Hour Fitness membership which I can use at will.

I am BLESSED to have a wonderful coach who is patient and kind but challenges me and will see this through with me as long as I am willing to show up.

I have the ABILITY to walk the blonde any time I choose.

Sigh....

Ok. Party is over.

I am a loser. Really. I am.

Now I am going to go start acting like one.

The rule of Five

Okay, so for those of us who struggle with over eating/compulsive eating, you know how difficult of a pattern it is to break. Focus on the word compulsion. It is a constant drive. An impulse that is relentless. I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, but I am hearing more and more often recently that over eating can be as powerful as an addiction to those dreaded addictions. I have also heard more and more lately that this powerful, constant impulse can be diminished and quieted over time each and every time you circumvent, avoid, and divert from the impulse. My coach and I discussed this in a session once. He actually had me write down things I could do every time I felt the impulse to eat. I'm talking mundane tasks here. You don't have to go out and exercise or save the world every time you want to eat. Just do ANYTHING but eat. For my purposes here, I've decided to come up with a list of five things I can do each time I feel the impulse.

1) Wash 5 windows

2) Vacuum for 5 minutes

3) Take 5 minutes to make all the beds in your house

4) Do a 5 minute wipe down/dusting of one room in the house; all the surfaces

5) Wash 5 dishes

Now, all of the above tasks involve house keeping. You can create a list of all exercise related tasks. Or household management/administrative tasks. Whatever. Keep lists inside your cupboards...in your office.....in your car. Make a "grab bag" of tasks for a food diverting surprise. The point? EVERY time you get an impulse, DIVERT!!!

So, there's one more catch. Maybe it's just me. My issue? I am often not even consciously aware that I am being driven to eat until I have taken a nose dive into a bag of pretzels, or have done a home run slide into a gallon of ice cream. And once you get going, the mental chatter (usually negative) starts up.

"Oh well, I'll start over tomorrow"

"What's the point. I'm a failure. Might as well keep eating"

"I'll just eat less the rest of the day to make up for it"

"I don't weight in for five days...this won't make a difference"

Yea, that's all a bunch of bologna and don't we know it?

If you walk around in a mental fog, prepare to over eat. Take every thought captive. Every moment! Be intentional about when and what you eat.

So, let's recap.

Step 1) Be mentally alert

Step 2) Identify the impulse to eat haphazardly

Step 3) Choose a task, and DIVERT!

Let's give it a try, shall we?

(Oh, and on a side note. We bought the other Blonde this great cube thing-a-ma-jig. You put kibble in it, and as she kicks it around, if she gets the angle just right, some kibble falls out. It keeps her super busy, and slows her down so she doesn't scarf her food in 30 seconds. I'm just wondering if this idea could be adapted for humans. And if so, would it cause copious amounts of indigestion?)

Monday 4/11/11 Check In

Last weeks weight: 267.8

Todays weight: 266.4

Down: 1.4 pounds

How I feel about it: eh...better than I expected. I ate perfectly M-F, then went wild over the weekend. Still resulted in a weight loss.

My frustration: If I am in a completely controlled environment like home or work, I have no problem. I have a HUGE appetite. The problem is, if I go anywhere, out to dinner or to someones house, I am inevitably faced with much more calorie dense foods, which add up quickly calorie wise, but don't fill you up. And the temptation....sheesh. Add on top of that, any extra stress and forget about it.

My goal this week: Completely a mental one. Re-read "Standard Deviation" (one of my earlier posts) Get perfection out of the picture. That is not reality.

Monday 4/4/11 Check In

Last weeks weight: 268

Today's Weight: 267.8

Down 0.2

How I feel about it: BAH!

What happened: Too much salt. Too much sugar.

Average Daily Calorie Intake: 1,600 (70 calories more on average per day than last week's average)

Exercise encounters: Four 45-60 min walks and one 30 minute session with trainer.

What I am going to do different this week: Avoid salty/sugary snacks. Try to shave down the calories back to 1,500/day. Will aim for at least the same exercise encounters. In a perfect world, get to the gym at least two times.

What I am hung up on right now: I am very discouraged as I write this. I have such a LOOOOONG ways to go, and it seems impossible today. I feel ugly.

One thing I did to counter those feelings: I went grocery shopping and loaded up on good things to choose from this week. I'll go back to work tomorrow, take care of my precious patients, and count my blessings.

Hiding

Well, I did it.

Did what, you ask?

Posted a link to "Two Blondes Walking" on my Facebook page.

Now the whole world (or, just my 281 friends) know how much I weigh.

I have, like, major blog envy of so many people and their very excellent blogs. I want to be clever. I want to be funny. I want to say profound things. I want to give stuff away. I want to loose this Freakin' Awful Weight!!!!

There's only one problem.

I have NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING!

So now, I am overweight and have a dumb blog to boot.

So, I could hide that number on the scale and hide my blog. But then, what am I doing.

HIDING!

Just me, myself, and I.

Here I am.....

Still here......

As in the words of Dr.Phil. "How's that working for ya' Em?"

Not so good. Hiding is just...well.....FAIL!

So. I did what I had originally intended. Started a blog. Put it out there for anyone who cares to read, and hopefully some day, join me on my Monday Check-Ins and we can do this together.

No more hiding.

After all, we need each other.

I need you.

And now, I am going to do the other thing I set out to do.

Walk the blonde.

And, if I ever figure out how to do it (did I mention I have no idea what I am doing?) I will post a picture of the blonde looking at me with her "is it time to go yet mom? look.

For now, you'll have to take my word for it.

It's pretty darn cute.

No More Breeding for Me

Recently, I had to take the blonde to the vet for a check up. I suspected she had an ear infection. After waiting in the office for a few minutes, a very friendly veterinarian came in and began to examine the blonde and ask questions.

Vet: What brought you in today?

Me: I think she has a yeast infection in her ears.

Vet: Why do you think that?

Me: Because her ears smell like the Miller Brewing Company.

Vet: Is she having any other symptoms?

Me: Well, last night, she was shaking her head a lot and trying to scratch the inside of her ears.

Vet: When did you first notice the odor?

Me: Oh, about 10 days ago.

Vet: Why did you wait so long to bring her in? (she asks smiling, but I'm starting to sweat)

Me: Well, my son just had surgery, and I have been taking care of him at home and wasn't able to get her here. (I proceed to explain what the surgery was, and happen to mention that my daughter had the same problem, and thus, the same surgery six years ago)

Vet: Oh, so this is like, a genetic problem with your kids?

Me: Yes, it would appear that way.

Vet: Well, we won't be having any more kids, will we?

Me: Um.....(enter crickets)...well....um....no. Uh...we weren't planning to.

It struck me as an odd question, but it didn't occur to me until I had left and started to drive away that...."Y'know? I don't think I liked that comment very much." Kinda weird for your vet, who you had just met not ten minutes before, to comment in a very kind yet opinionated manner about your future reproductive plans. But then, think about it. She's a vet. She is used to looking at her "patients" in terms of breed. Genetic tendencies. Certain breeds are known for hip dysplasia, thyroid issues, cataracts, etc. If two breeding dogs yield pups with anomalies, you stop breeding them. So, I guess she figured I need to stop breeding too. One ear swab examined under the microscope, a 12 month "Well Dog Maintenance Program" to the tune of $39 a month, and an anti-fungal/anti-biotic ear drop for $45 later, we were on our way. Truth be told, I actually really liked the vet. She seemed to genuinely like the blonde, and I like that. As for me breeding anymore, it's highly unlikely. Not in the plans. But not because I produce offspring with genetic anomalies. I like my offspring, anomalies and all. Perhaps if I could be guaranteed a genetic blonde, (neither of mine are) I might reconsider, and then I could rename the blog Three Blondes Walking.

Nah.

Monday 3/28/11 Check IN

Last weeks weight: 270.8

Todays weight: 268

Down 2.8 pounds!!

Average daily calorie intake: 1,530

Exercise encounters: Four 45 minute walks (and four extremely active work days - 12+ hours each)

What I did that worked: Focused on eating less sugar

Goal for next week: Better planning. Make work lunches the night before. Go to the gym at least 2x in addition to walking the blonde.